Lost Identity

My work does a Secret Pal program where you can draw a colleague’s name, and secretly leave them inspirational notes, candy, and gifts throughout the year. At the end of the school year, there’s a reveal party where you get to find out your pal’s identity.

When I sat down to complete the “All About Me” form for this program, I noticed the questions were quite thorough.

Coffee…yes / no
Candles…yes / no
Books…yes / no

I was whizzing through the answers, until I came to the section that asked, “What do you do in your free time?”

I’m pretty sure you could hear crickets chirp as I sat, stumped, staring at the question. Frustrated, my head swarmed with different thoughts.

“I love to travel!” I thought. “But I barely leave the house these days because of Jude’s meltdowns.”

“I like to hike!”
But, I haven’t been hiking in over a year because it’s impossible to watch Jude on the rocky trails.

I felt lost. “I have no idea what I do in my free time!” I sighed.

So, I wrote, “What free time?!”

That was the moment that I realized that my identity was somewhat lost. I knew what I liked to do in my previous, before-I-had-kids life, but as an exhausted mom, I had no clue!

This really bothered me. I don’t want to lose interest in my passions and hobbies that make me who I am. Yet, as I sit here typing this, that is exactly what has happened.

Realizing this, I started having raw conversations with other moms about what they do in their free time. They answered the same way, “What free time?”

One mom admitted that she had no energy to focus on herself by the end of the week, let along each day. Another mom said that she used to love to read, but now chooses sleep over reading. Every mom that I encounter in my circle of friends seem to have lost her identity at some point along the way in life.

While this is unfortunate, it was also soothing for me to hear. As moms, we go, go, go. We’re always thinking about others, especially our family, and rarely focus any time, energy, and talents on ourselves. Perhaps it’s the way we’re wired?

Whatever the reason is, I don’t like not being able to answer that question. I should be able to list at least one or two things I enjoy in my free time that helps make me unique. I don’t want my identity to be lost in a lifestyle that doesn’t reflect my passions and interests. So how do I fix this?

I guess I’m about to head down a road of self-discovery... and just when I thought I knew everything about myself. While I’m self-aware, I’m also lost.

Anyone identify?

Thoughts on how to build my “free time” into a “my passions” time?