“I like to work. I enjoy being a working mom.”
A hush fell over the chatter and noises ceased. A teaspoon dropped onto a saucer and made a sonic boom as waves burst through the silence. My matter-of-fact tidbit was met with shocked expressions of gasping women at my table.
I was at a meeting with a group of local church moms in a new city, having recently moved. I was trying to make connections, find friends to have play dates with, and explore the community. I had seen an advertisement for a new mom’s group starting up, and thought it’d be a great place to start. So, I was the first in line to sign up. Flash forward to a month later, and there I was at my very first meeting.
I was easy to recognize. Several of the other moms knew one another, and had already formed friendships. I was the quiet newcomer, who was told she dropped her child at the wrong door, whose breakfast plate was piled high with carbs (no dieting for me!), and who took not 1, not 2, but 5 creamers in her coffee.
Anxiety floods my heart every time I do something that involves trying to socialize with unfamiliar people. Outsiders aren’t usually aware of this side of me (after all, aren't all teachers supposed to be great with meet-and-greets?), but the people who are closest to me know I severely struggle feeling comfortable in social situations. So, I was less than thrilled that small talk emerged as soon as I sat down.
“Where are you from? What a cute little country accent you have there! Why did you move here? What does your husband do? How many kids do you have?”
All these are legit, appropriate questions to ask, I admit, especially when you are trying to scout out new play-date potentials. But, couldn’t they give me just five minutes to shove chocolate donuts in my mouth and get some coffee in me?
So, we went in a circle and introduced ourselves. Then one of the leaders asked, “What do you enjoy most about being a stay-at-home mom?”
Several women answered, and when it was my turn, I replied, “I like being Jacob’s mom because he’s funny, witty, and it’s fun to see the different changes he goes through.”
The reply:
“That’s nice. I mean we all can agree that we like to see the stages our kids go through, but that wasn’t the question. What do you like best about staying home to raise him?”
You already read my response above. But just in case you somehow missed it (no offense taken, it happens to me all the time when I’m trying to read something and multitask), I will repeat myself.
I replied, “I like to work. I enjoy being a working mom.”
Stares, gasps, and blank looks.
I was confused. Why were they so surprised?
Finally the silence broke and the air fluttered with questions like:
“Who takes care of your kid when you work?”
“You leave him at a daycare? Aren’t you scared he’ll get sick?”
“Does your husband know you work? What does he think about it?”
"Oh you poor gal, you mean you have to work, right?
<<To answer their questions, yes, Jacob got put into a daycare starting at age 1, and no I wasn’t afraid he’d get sick. All babies develop their own immune systems in their own times. Yes, my husband Jason knew that I worked. I mean after all, he’d be kind of dumb to not realize that I got in the car every morning, at the same time he is about to leave, dressed up, carrying a teacher bag full of graded papers, and came home about eight hours later. Of course, he is supportive of my dreams in life. Like I’d marry a man who wasn’t?! And do I "have to" work? Well, no one is dragging me or forcing me to do it. I don't go in kicking and screaming. The bottom line is I WANT TO WORK.>>
I didn’t answer the women with the fun sarcastic humor I possess these days. I was very kind about it. I didn't even speak my stream of consciousness like I just did with you in the prior paragraph. The questions didn’t really bother me. After all, it was a world in which they were not accustomed. But I was quite surprised by the responses. What really got this country girl’s goat was the snide comments that started to come up during the rest of the meeting:
“I don’t see how you do it. I could never abandon my child just for a job.”
And
“No amount of money could beat the feeling of knowing that I raised my own children instead of letting strangers raise them.”
And
"Well, my husband and I think that our children are gifts from God and it's our jobs to take care of them instead of do what you do."
It was in these moments I realized that I was having my very first bitter dose of mom-on-mom criticism. Up until this point, I knew that moms had varying opinions - breastfeed vs formula; co-sleeping vs nightly own-bed-routine; etc. But that's all they ever were - just opinions. I hadn't met anyone who felt so strongly that they were willing to start verbally attacking others with their viewpoints. Until that moment.
The mom-on-mom criticism HAS TO STOP!
Whether a mom stays home with her children because it’s her life’s calling, or because it’s financially practical, it’s HER choice. And moms who go to work outside the house are not abandoning their children. They’re making decisions that are the best for them and their families.
I know countless moms over the generations who stayed at home, and their kids turned out just fine. I also know just as many moms who spent their lives working outside the home, and their children turned out well adjusted also.
Who are we to judge other mom’s decisions, especially when we do not know the circumstances?
I used to allow complete, opinionated strangers to make me feel guilty that I wanted to work. And then one day, when Jude was eight weeks old, something inside me snapped and I stopped caring what they thought. As I told a colleague earlier this year, "I love being a mom, but I'm a better mom when I work. That doesn't make me a bad mom. It makes me a self-aware mom."
For me personally, I love teaching! It’s my life’s calling that God has allowed me to polish over the years. While I’m still not perfect at it, I definitely realize that I’m gifted in that area.
Sounds like I’m bragging, I know. I seriously don’t mean to; I’m just passionate about what I get to do in life! I get the unique opportunity to collaborate with talented professionals, implement creative ways to teach math, science, and reading, and touch hundreds of lives in the span of my career. Then I come home to my husband and two little boys with a new appreciation. Since I haven’t seen them all day, we like to share stories about our day around the dinner table. Jason and I share the loads of chores because we realize that we both have had a long day at work.Working outside the house makes me a better mom.
It’s rare to figure out one’s purpose in life early on. Whether it’s to work outside the house in a profession you enjoy, or it’s staying at home, not missing a moment of watching your beautiful children reach the milestones in their lives, embrace it and do it with pride! That’s part of the beauty of motherhood - One size doesn't fit all and we can learn from one another!
Motherhood experiences are just as unique as the children we are raising.