Smart Kid, Poor Behavior

Ten minutes into a conversation with my eight-year-old, the comment I hear frequently from adults is, “Wow, he’s really smart!”

I know what you might be thinking… “Aren’t all kids smart in their own way?”

Yes, they are.

Or, “All moms think their children are special.”

Well, I certainly hope this is the case!

But, in order for you to be on the same page with me, let’s start with the fact that Jacob possesses intelligence that exceeds his eight years of life. He started using advanced vocabulary at the age of three. Within the first month of piano lessons, he taught himself Beethoven’s “Fur Elise” and half of “The Final Countdown” by watching YouTube tutorials. Jacob understands and knows how to use sarcasm, is fascinated by WWII facts, has an IQ on the high side (we had him tested), and absorbs everything about science that he can. 

So yes, he’s “smart”.

Now, imagine Jason and my frustration when we see him exhibit “explosive” behaviors that do not make sense to us.

For example, one evening when four-year-old Jude cuddled up to me, I hugged him, and said, “I love you. You’re a sweet boy.”

Jacob snapped. 
Really snapped!
He exhibited explosive behavior. He threw his shoes and socks across the room and yelled, “I’m not sweet, right? You like Jude better than me! That’s what you’re saying. You don’t love me! Nobody loves me!”

Jacob ran to his room and slammed the door.  Loud noises come from his room as he called us names, and we can only assume he threw toys, as his room was a disaster zone later.

“Why is he so mad?” Jason and I looked at each other and sighed. I was not trying to compare children, or insinuate the Jacob was not loved. In my mind I was simply acknowledging that Jude needed me in that moment. But to Jacob, things in his mind played out differently than what was really occurring.

To Jacob, I was not simply meeting his brother’s needs; I was comparing the two. Jacob had felt that I did not devote the amount of time and intentional attention to him and his needs as I did to Jude. He did not feel loved to the degree he needed. Yet, my child with a large vocabulary reservoir could not properly voice his feelings in that moment prior to the explosion. Therefore, he acted in a way that left his parents puzzled and the household frustrated.

The truth is, this is not the first time that Jacob has exhibited explosive behavior, and for what is seemingly “no good reason”. 
He exhibits it at school sometimes. At home. In the car. At church. In public. 

Jacob knows this about himself, and yet in the heated moment, it is evident that he has absolutely no control over his emotions. What really puzzled Jason and me is that later on, Jacob would come up to us in tears, and feel remorseful for his explosions. I have even heard him cry himself to sleep at night because of this self-realization. “Mom, I have a problem,” he sobs.

Heartbreaking. As a mom listening to her sweet, sensitive eight-year-old try to reason out his internal struggles, it's heart-breaking. 

In fact, there almost seems to be no rhyme or reason as to when or where it’s going to happen. And If I’m completely honest, it’s quite humiliating when he acts like this, especially in front of an audience.

As educators who value our students' well-being, Jason and I are supposed to know what to do with children who struggle, and how to get the best out of them. In the classroom, we feel successful at this, but when it comes to our own son, we seem to fall short.

I have mentioned some of the awful things I have heard from others about my parenting skills (or lack thereof) in my past blog entries. So when Jacob is having a meltdown that isn’t sensory triggered, and seems irrational, we start to get embarrassed and fear that people think we are bad parents. For the longest time, we even took his behavior to heart and started admitting self-defeat. 

But then, someone recommended the parenting book, “The Explosive Child”.

(Please note that I am not getting paid to advertise this book, nor have I ever met the author. I am also not stating this book will change the lives of everyone who reads it. I’m simply explaining my own “aha” parenting moment, as it relates to dealing with my explosive ASD/DMDD child.)

PSA over. Back to my story. 😊

Let’s face it... with a nonverbal preschooler and inquisitive eight-year-old running around, I don’t have the luxury to sit and indulge in leisure reading. So I did what any time-swamped, stressed-out, desperate-to-try-anything-different mom would do, and bought the audio version of the book so that I could listen to pieces of it anytime I got ten minutes to myself. 

In fact, Jason and I recently started listening to it together whenever we're both available. It isn't as often as we hoped, but at least we're trying. We are only a couple of chapters in so far (mostly because we started over so that we could take specific notes and do the homework), but it’s already starting to change the way I think of Jacob.

There’s a profound quote from the book that really resonated with me. The author, Dr. Ross Greene (2014), answered the question: What causes an explosive child to explode?

The answer: 
“Whenever he does not have the skills to deal well with the demands that are being placed on him. By the way, that’s when all of us are at our worst." 

WOW! …

But wait a minute. Are you suggesting that my “smart”, sarcastically funny, piano-playing eight-year-old scientist does not have how to deal with his problems?

That’s right!
My mom brain started spinning at this suggestion. I didn't buy it at first. How can a "smart" kid make such poor behavior choices?

Over the past month, the more Jason and I started really tracking Jacob’s behavior, and listening to his frustrations, the more we realized that was the case. As smart as he is, Jacob does not always have the coping skills he needs in his toolbox to figure out how to respond to situations that bother him.

Jason and I have even come to realize that Jacob's frustrations don’t always have to make sense to us either. We already know that Jacob is paranoid, thinking that everyone is out to get him. We also know that Jacob struggles with low self-esteem and has suffered from depression in the past. Whenever you take these combinations into account, and combine them with the fact that he is not always able to pick up on social cues, there won't be many explosive sessions that will make sense to us. After all, we are fully-functioning adults who have the ability to problem-solve and logically reason things out. He is eight, and like all children, has to be taught the proper way to handle situations in life. It's just that his brain works differently than mine, yours, and probably most of your kid's. So, he is going to take a little longer to figure out what the acceptable protocol of behavior is than the "typical" child will.

It's really difficult for Jason and me not to take Jacob's outbursts personally. We sometimes view Jacob's inability to react correctly as a reflection of our parenting. After all, in our case, that is what we have experienced that society thinks at times, judging from the comments we have heard. We are learning to apologize less, to hold our chins up, and to remember that God thinks we've got this, or He wouldn't have given us Jacob.

To date, we are still working through the book. Whenever Jacob has explosive meltdowns, we have been able to catch most of them before they get too far out of hand. On some occasions, we have even been able to redirect him, and talk them out with him. Other times, we were not as lucky to stop them before they turned into bigger problems. The most important thing that we have learned through this recent realization is that Jacob needs endless amounts of patience, love, and calm modeling. We are choosing to change how we view Jacob’s needs. 

Does his explosive episodes still embarrass us in front of certain crowds and people?

Absolutely! 

Do I still hold my breath when I pick him up from school, knowing his day was full of struggles and that he is still socially behind?

I would be lying if I said, “No”.

Do we have it all figured out, and the perfect plan in place for Jacob?

Does any parent really have it all figured out? I'm going to venture out on a limb here and say that they don't. For us, it's definitely a "no"...

...At least not yet anyway. (I love Growth Mindset…the power of “yet”!)

I know that I have not written much this past semester, even though I continue to have new realizations about parenting, and the boys' progress. It has been much to process, and that takes time. I do feel compelled to share my ongoing struggles and journey on this ever-winding trail of blood, sweat, and tears called motherhood. It's never going to be perfect, but of there is one thing I have learned in this journey, it's to redefine "perfection". And if you're like me, where you often feel like you don't know what you're doing when it comes to your children, know that you are not alone!